*I realize this post is a bit indulgent and that it is a privilege to be able to write about my own personal evolution. I am deeply aware of the tragedies that are currently plaguing certain populations of the world, and I pray for the elimination of suffering, domination, and fear-based motivations, and for a grand awakening of understanding, peace, and reverence for all life on a global collective scale.*
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On January 1st, 2024, I will celebrate exactly twenty-one years of living an alcohol-free life. It’s a strange type of birthday to mark in the wounded society that we find ourselves, and so I usually do it pretty quietly and in solitude, but it is a birthday nonetheless. It is an acknowledgement requiring that one has not only chosen their own healing above all else, but additionally, is strong enough to withstand the power of so many demons that are triggered and unleashed in others as a result of such a brave and unusual act. Drinking is ubiquitous, and it is the tool with which most of us meet all the ups and downs of life - whether we are glad, sad, stressed or relaxed, we tend to engage all of it with the “assistance” of alcohol, because as someone somewhere is happy to tell you, you deserve it. Generally people are much more comfortable with you if they can count on you to commiserate and share in the same self-defeating habits. If you refuse to play those reindeer games, you are often the subject of suspicion, distrust, or even scorn because the very nature of your existence inadvertently turns the mirror on them. How dare you. Often, there are two main reactions that play out on the unspoken totem pole of judgments: “wow she must be pathetic if she can’t even handle one drink,” and / or a, “wow she thinks who she is, doesn’t she,” condemnation as if by not drinking, the sober person is insinuating an innate superiority over others. An occasional third idea that slips into the dialogue is that, “well isn’t she lucky - she must not have any problems that need drowning.” All of this nonsense demands a thick skin, because one has to get cozy being a sober pariah, especially on a night like NYE. And so it is that I have chosen to deal with the perennially awkward moments in various social settings, explaining that I don’t drink, sometimes being asked if I am pregnant because that seems to be more acceptable than being sober for one’s own health, being served a soda with a big straw and looking like I am drinking from a 12 year old’s glass, AND demonstrating that I still like to have fun, laugh, dance, enjoy all sorts of experiences and savor good times without consuming alcohol.
It was the day I said never again to self-loathing. And my one-day-at-a-time has become the same span of time as so many wait to have their first legal drink. My rock-bottom has turned into literally standing on a mountaintop, marveling at the view, almost annihilated by the magnitude of miracles that abound. I say this not to brag, but to tell you it is one hundred percent possible if you follow your Soul’s lead.
Every day I decide I won’t numb out but will try to face my life unfiltered, head-on, and see what I can glean from it, by holding a perspective of clarity (which is an ongoing, evolving spiral). Trust me, there have been times, even entire years, where all my strength was tested.
Like plenty of others, I have had to figure out what to do with all the energy I had previously devoted to my personal rollercoaster of self-destruction and rebuilding (all of which often happened within a twenty-four hour window, and then I would hit repeat). I personally don’t attend 12 step meetings. Those are wonderful life-savers for millions, but it has not been my chosen path. I am thankful that I don’t have compulsive thoughts about needing a meeting when before I would have needed a drink. Actually, the only time I even consider the fact that I am not drinking is when I am in situations where others are drinking. In the beginning that was very difficult, but now it is not an issue for me at all. I’m happy to be the designated driver. While I’m not in the business of judging anyone for their drinking, I am also beyond knowingly building intimate relationships of any kind with anyone who is heavily dependent. This choice represents my own personal progress and practice of self-love. And that has not been easy to reprogram based on my early imprints. All of that said, if you think you need help, I am willing to listen as a friend who can relate, and I’ve tried to be there for others on their journeys.
I have been able to focus my thoughts on other projects, developing various skills over the years, and some of my resulting offerings can be found throughout this post. Consider taking a trip with me, booking an online reading for spiritual guidance, or renting my little piece of Italian paradise. Where will your Wildest Dreams lead you?
When I make an honest appraisal, I regard my sobriety as the best decision I have ever made. There are a few close seconds, including having my two children and buying a home in Italy, but none of these may have happened at all, or definitely not in the same way, if I had still been mentally and emotionally unhealthy and drunk. This is certainly not to say that it’s the correct choice for everyone, but it was for me, because it had progressed to the point where I was no longer in control of it; it was in control of me.
So much has changed in these 21 years. I went from unmarried to married, to becoming a mother, to being separated, to becoming a widow, and raising two children essentially by myself. Being a natural seeker, I have gone through many layers of personal and spiritual growth. I have reinvented some aspects of my identity, and I am not afraid to try new things. I have repatriated myself and my descendants back to our ancestral land of Italy, learned how to communicate in a language that was lying latent in my DNA, bought an idyllic home there, and cultivated an incredibly supportive community of previously unknown relatives and friends. I roll in a state of continual discovery with the intention of walking into life with a healthy balance of confidence and humility. There is always more healing to be done and more lessons to learn, and I try my best to keep showing up with a grateful heart. But different from a quarter century ago, I’ve grown into rewarding myself with gifts that allow me to fully embrace and honor life rather than check out from it.
I have become aware that living and moving toward authenticity are blessings to be embodied, and that this fairly revolutionary philosophy reverberates into infinity, whispering back to the ancestors who could not do such things, but who knew all too well the precious and precarious nature of life, and winking to those who I haven’t met, to whom I will leave my legacy someday. There are even some who I have known on this journey who I can feel are thrilled that I am living in ways they never could. So I make a non-alcoholic toast today, per cent’anni, because… like every one of us, what I actually deserve to drink in are health, serenity, clarity, love, freedom and abundance, and the ability to disconnect from the dark abyss of addiction in the full light of a more passionate, life-affirming existence. Happy New Year blessings to all of you, and happy ‘birthday’ to me!